Fair warning, today's column is X-rated.
In my defense, everything I'm about to discuss has been already shown in public, on a runway at New York Fashion Week.
So it's not only OK, but fashionable.
I suspect you might disagree.
And I might, too.
Either way, it's funny.
I'm talking, of course, about merkins.
I'm guessing you have no idea what a merkin is, and neither did I until I came across an article about Fashion Week.
Bottom line (no pun intended): A merkin is a wig that you put over your pubic area.
They call it a "vagina wig."
I know, right?
My first thought is that if your vagina wants a wig, you need to tell her to calm down.
Not everybody's looking at you, honey.
You're so vain, you probably think this column is about you.
The show with the vagina wigs at New York Fashion Week was by a designer named KAIMIN.
KAIMIN always writes her name in capital letters.
I'm guessing she likes attention.
I'm a mystery writer, so I read the clues.
Like the fact that she sends women down the runway wearing vagina wigs.
To be specific, her fashion show had a woman wearing a glittery gold shirt but no bottom, except for a vagina wig.
And a woman wearing an open raincoat, naked except for a vagina wig.
And a woman wearing a silvery jacket and underneath only a you-know-what.
Yes, a vagina wig.
Did you guess it? You, too, can be a mystery writer! It's that easy!
I don't know what the fashion critics think of KAIMIN'S clothes, because nobody talked about them in the articles I read.
The merkins stole the show.
Don't they always?
But KAIMIN is your first stop, if you're in the market for a merkin.
Plus, the merkins in her show were styled, cut in a Mohawk or dyed bright colors.
Not everybody wants basic black.
Although it is slimming.
A dyed merkin is getting your roots done, with a vengeance.
You might need a touch-up on that touch down.
The merkins even had their own hairstyling team.
They must've had some agent.
This is next-level female empowerment.
Not for real females, but for wigs of real females.
I don't even have a styling team for my regular hair.
It barely gets washed.
Any other hair of mine is on its own.
(I was talking about my leg hair, which I have yet to blow-dry today.)
KAIMIN says she showed the vagina wigs because "the acceptance of individuality is the human vagina."
KAIMIN is no philosopher.
If that were true, you wouldn't need to cover it up.
Because, as far as I can tell, the only place a vagina is acceptable is in pornography.
As for women, we don't even have equal pay.
The day we get it, we can toss our hats into the air.
And our wig hats.
I did some research and found out that the merkin was invented in 1450, when women wore them to prevent lice and crabs.
First, that's gross.
Second, how's that working for you? Because my guess is, not very well. If you have lice and crabs, the last thing you want to do is cover it with something else that gets lice and crabs.
But, hey, that's just me. I wasn't around in 1450.
I just look like I was.
By the way, I learned the history of the merkin on the internet, which is completely obsessed with vaginas, whether they wear wigs or not.
So it's definitely reliable.
I also learned that in the modern era, merkins are used as props in movies and TV shows.
I assume the idea is that an actress doesn't want to show her pubic area in a film, so a director or some other cretin will give her a merkin to wear, and the viewer is seeing a wig, not her real hair.
If you follow.
I'm trying to be delicate, in case you're eating.
Or have a brain.
A merkin is like a stunt double for your vagina.
Or a stand-in, when you're standing in.
It does raise the obvious question, is a vagina wig different from the real thing?
I mean, why bother?
Don't women look pretty much the same down south?
We all studied triangles in geometry.
Just turn it upside down and color it in.
Unless we're getting crazy with the razor, which raises another question.
Why shave it off so you have to wear a wig?
This would be one for the Department of Redundancy Department.
It's like women who pluck out their eyebrows, only to pencil them in.
Leave well enough alone.
Find something else to do with your time.
Like read a book.
That's female empowerment.