Friends, I'm on a roll.
Lately, good things are happening to me.
I'm getting things that I wanted for a long time, like decades.
Everything's coming up roses, and if I were you, I would play the lottery using my birthday, 07011955.
You can thank me anytime.
Not that I will be able to hear you, as I was born in 1955.
Now you know how exactly how old I am, if you can subtract.
If you can't subtract, I'm 37.
Also if you're blind.
But let's return to the good things that are happening to me, and please don't think I'm bragging, because by the end of this, I'm going to make a really profound point.
Anyway, to review the good things lately:
Last month, I wrote the number-one best-selling book in the United States.
Two weeks ago, I spotted Bradley Cooper in the wild.
And today, I reached my goal weight.
If you're a regular reader of this column, you'll be happy for me.
If you're not, you might be jealous, but don't be. Because I'm divorced twice, involuntarily celibate, and covered with dog and cat hair.
I'm pretty sure these things are unrelated.
But I have stopped caring.
Anyway, I never thought I would reach my goal weight.
I said it was my goal, but it really wasn't.
It was my cardiologist's goal.
Yes, I have a cardiologist.
Because I was born in 1955.
If you were born in 1955, you also need:
Two years ago, my cardiologist gave me the bad news:
"You have to lose weight."
This would be the difference between your cardiologist and your girlfriends.
Your girlfriends are there to tell you that they love you no matter what, and that's why I love them, no matter what. They have my heart.
What does a cardiologist know about hearts?
That came out wrong.
Anyway, my cardiologist told me to lose weight, and I took it seriously, but that doesn't mean I succeeded.
First I tried the South Beach diet, but it did nothing for my South Beach.
Next I tried a low-carb diet, but I couldn't get the carbs low enough.
Then I tried a portion-control diet where I was only allowed to eat a portion size that fit in little plastic containers I had to send away for.
But the containers were so small I ended up using them for earring trays.
I'm not even kidding.
They're excellent for travel.
But completely unsatisfying for dinner.
No matter what diet I was on, I didn't lose any weight.
So I tried to exercise more, or at least move around a little more, but I still didn't lose any weight and I wasn't anywhere near goal weight. And by the way, I'm a vegetarian, so you would think it would be easy, but it wasn't.
Then I finally joined Weight Watchers, and the diet comes with an app that has a little yellow chart you use to plug your weight into a graph. I set up the graph, but I never thought I would make my goal weight, and there were many weeks when I stayed on the diet that I didn't really think I was losing anything.
Then one day, I noticed the curve going down.
And then I started thinking that I actually had a shot, and today, I got on the scale and there was the number:
It was my goal weight, and I'm not going to reveal the actual number because you'll either think it's too modest a goal, or not modest enough, and it doesn't really matter.
It's what the doctor ordered, and for once, I obeyed a man.
But here's what I've learned:
I may be at my goal weight, but my life did not change.
Nothing is any different than it was before. I'm still myself, and if my heart is pumping easier, I can't even tell the difference.
In other words, I reached a lifetime goal, and it didn't matter at all.
I don't think this is bad news.
On the contrary, I think it's terrific.
After all this dieting, pigging out, not pigging out, trying to "be good," trying not to care, and caring too much, I've come to a realization.
In other words, I've lost weight but I've gained perspective.
It's about my health, and now, I'm healthier.
And that's all.
It's not everything.
It's not even how I look.
Because I don't look that different.
Mostly because I have perfected ways of dressing that hide my weight.
I mean, who hasn't?
Bottom line, I realize that my weight is just how much I weigh.
And I have learned what matters in life:
That I saw Bradley Cooper.