Have you heard about Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, and now Matt Lauer?
Welcome to the light side of the sex scandals.
But first, a disclaimer.
I know that sexual abuse and/or assault are not laughing matters. They're crimes that damage women and ruin their careers, but that has been written about everywhere, and I know that all of you are smart enough to know that.
This is a humor column.
And I have a different take on the sex scandals, because there are some things that stick out.
I'm talking about bathrobes.
You may remember that both Harvey Weinstein and Charlie Rose paraded around in bathrobes as a way to seduce their victims.
I don't know what these gentlemen were thinking.
I'm here to give them a pointer.
Though they evidently already had one.
My pointer is, nobody looks good in a bathrobe. Not even a hot guy looks good in a bathrobe.
OK, maybe Bradley Cooper does. But he's the fantasy that proves the rule.
Excuse me, I mean the exception.
A bathrobe hides even a good body, and besides that, it doesn't set a sexy mood. A bathrobe says Sunday morning, not Saturday night.
If I see a guy in a bathrobe, I'm thinking NyQuil.
Or a pipe and slippers.
Basically, I get a mental picture of Norman Rockwell. Or Lord Grantham from Downton Abbey.
Maybe these gentlemen were thinking they were Hugh Hefner?
But honestly. Did Hefner really turn on any woman who didn't need a job?
And a cottontail?
Obviously, these abusers are delusional.
If they really wanted to look sexy to a woman, they should've paraded around in a suit and tie.
Every man looks good in a suit and tie.
Because he probably has a job.
To a woman, a suit and tie says, "I can take care of myself."
A bathrobe says, "You're going to have to take care of me."
Or, "Toss me the remote."
Or, "Are you getting up?"
You can't look like you just got out of bed to get a woman into one. Lazy doesn't lead to orgasm.
If you want a woman to do you, don't be another Thing To Do.
You have to look like you're Going Places, even if you're only going to buy more suits and ties.
Bathrobes are slacker outfits.
Or writer outfits.
Take it from me.
All I do is hang out at home, looking horrible in a bathrobe. It's definitely not sexy.
I look like a walking bed.
And not even a sexy bed.
Like your grandmother's bed that has a pink chenille coverlet and smells like rosewater and Bengay.
Worse even than the bathrobe is the fact that these men wanted women to watch them take a shower.
Again, gentlemen, what were you thinking?
Nobody looks sexy with wet hair.
Ever date an otter?
Plus, no man looks sexy taking a shower.
You know when they rub the soap under their arms, making a drippy fan of armpit hair?
Not a pretty sight.
And how about when they bend over and try to tell the shampoo from the conditioner without their glasses?
Also not sexy.
How about when they lather up and start descaling their butt cracks?
Bottom line, I could've told these gentlemen that their personal grooming is not sexy.
Clipping your toenails is not foreplay. Flossing your teeth doesn't turn us on.
Do better, abusers. Use your imagination.
Or, on the other hand, stop using your imagination.
Charlie Rose is 75 years old.
That means he thought the sight of a 75-year-old man taking a shower and parading around in his bathrobe would arouse women.
You know what he really needed in his bathroom?