Lisa Scottoline: They're not giving you a discount — they're discounting you
March is Women's History Month, and we're celebrating women everywhere. Even on Brawny paper towels. Yes, the Brawny package used to have a super-hot guy standing with his arms folded, but now there's a super-hot dark-haired woman with her hands on her hips.
March is Women's History Month, and we're celebrating women everywhere.
Even on Brawny paper towels.
Yes, the Brawny package used to have a super-hot guy standing with his arms folded, but now there's a super-hot dark-haired woman with her hands on her hips.
We took his job and his red plaid shirt.
I'm sure this is what you were hoping for, as a woman.
To be a corporate spokesmodel dressed like a couch.
I was so intrigued by this I went to the company website, where a banner says, "The Brawny Man Is Stepping Aside to Celebrate Women."
What a (Brawny) Man!
This would probably be the fastest way women advance, taking nonpaying jobs from cartoon characters.
And what woman doesn't want to be identified as brawny?
I myself lie awake at night, hoping someday I will find a man to whisper in my ear, "Lisa, you are so . . . brawny."
Actually, in honor of Women's History Month, the company should have changed the name of the paper towels to Busty.
I'd rather be Busty than Brawny. You might, too. Push-up bras and breast implants sell for a reason.
Pass me those Busty paper towels.
They do double the work.
And they're soft!
On the website, the campaign has a slogan, which is, "The strength to take on tough messes."
The perfect description of my second marriage.
If your messes can be cleaned up with a paper towel, they're not messy enough.
To clean up a truly tough mess, you need a lawyer.
Plus, I've never relied on a paper towel to give me strength.
I have chocolate for that.
The campaign even has its own hashtag:
#StrengthHas NoGender.
I knew that already. I was raised by #MotherMary, who was definitely full-strength.
I bet your #Mom is, too.
And so are you, thank God.
On the Brawny website is a coupon that says, "We're not giving you a discount. You earned it."
Is that butch enough for you?
We women don't need no stinking discounts.
We're discounted enough. Often. Everywhere.
Sorry, I don't think that's what they meant.
Also in honor of Women's History Month, the website says: "Every time a woman shatters expectations and norms, there's another woman ready to break through another barrier."
Look, let's be real. That's like saying: "Women. There's more where that came from."
Or, "Women. They love to break things."
Or, finally, "Women. The more things they break, the more messes they make, and the more paper towels you need. So buy Brawny towels for all of your messes-created-by-women needs!"
Plus, I wonder what this all means for Mr. Clean.
He might have to step aside for Ms. Clean. Which would be a shame because he just got a new butt.
Yowza.
Have you seen him in the commercials? His paper towels would be called Booty.
Mr. Clean looked damn good sweeping the floor. Or maybe the sight of a man doing housework qualifies as pornography.
I saw that commercial during the Super Bowl and I was so distracted by Mr. Clean in his tight pants I forgot I was supposed to be watching the football players in their tight pants.
I love sports!
But I don't think Mr. Clean will lose his job to Ms. Clean, not if she has to wear his outfit. No woman thinks she looks good in white. I'd look like The Great White Whale.
Now I'm thinking that Mr. Clean should date the Brawny Lady.
Swipe right, Mr. Clean.
And sweep right, too.
Now bend over.
Sorry, I got distracted.
Mr. Clean and the Brawny Lady would be a match made in corporate heaven. They could get married and produce household products with questionable promotional campaigns.
But Mr. Clean had better move fast. The Brawny Lady is going to be gone soon. The company says its girl power paper towels are only a Limited Edition.
Women's History Month will be history.
But the good news is, we women will go on.
In fairness to Brawny, its website does celebrate heroic women, like Harriet Tubman and Amelia Earhart. They were great, but I also celebrate women like us. Those who don't fly around the world but who show strength every day, in every way.
Whether you head a family or a company, whether you're single or married, you're writing your own life story every day.
Even if you don't make history books, you're making your own history.
You're influencing more people than you know. Everyone who loves you will remember you after you're gone. They will remember things you did and said. The proof is that every one of us can recall some saying of our mother's.
Just like I remember Mother Mary's.
She always said, Be yourself, honey.
And I am.
So be yourself and make your own history.
You're my heroine.
Look for Lisa and Francesca's humor collection "I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places" and Lisa's novel "Damaged" in stores now. Also look for Lisa's new domestic thriller, "One Perfect Lie," coming in April.