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Ellen Gray: Oscar hosts: Light, bright, safe

THEIR COMBINED ages don't add up to the number of years the Oscars have been handed out, but nothing that happened at the 83rd annual Academy Awards last night suggested that 28-year-old Anne Hathaway and 32-year-old James Franco meant to turn anyone's world upside down.

THEIR COMBINED ages don't add up to the number of years the Oscars have been handed out, but nothing that happened at the 83rd annual Academy Awards last night suggested that 28-year-old Anne Hathaway and 32-year-old James Franco meant to turn anyone's world upside down.

Quite the contrary, in fact.

Light, bright and almost disappointingly respectful - occupying a different planet altogether from Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais - they presided over an intermittently entertaining Oscarcast that seemed to be more about the nominated films and performances than about the pair, who joked about their supposed appeal "to a younger demographic" before moving on.

Hathaway, who giggled almost as often as she changed her gowns (hard to imagine there were any left for anyone else when she was finished choosing), sang a little, danced a little and generally conducted herself like a talented ingenue.

Franco, potentially the more dangerous of the pair, seemed to be holding his fire for the most part, getting off just one joke about Charlie Sheen, and taking nearly an hour to do it. (Gervais might not have lasted 30 seconds.)

Both would have benefited from better writing, though Hathaway had some fun with the line, "It's been a great year for lesbians. Not just in real life but in movies," she said, alluding to "The Kids Are All Right" and "Black Swan" (and " 'Toy Story 3'? Where's the dad?").

As if to apologize for the youth of its hosts, the show gave up prime real estate at the start to 94-year-old presenter Kirk Douglas, whose frailty only meant that his flirtations with Hathaway and supporting actress winner Melissa Leo took him more time than they might have a few decades earlier.

And he wasn't the only one who might've caught the eye of Franco's grandma (who got to do a little shtick from the audience, as did Hathaway's mother).

"My father always said to me I would be a late bloomer. I believe I'm the oldest person to win this award," noted original screenplay winner David Seidler ("The King's Speech"), who's 73, a mere youngster next to Douglas. "I hope that record is broken quickly, and often."

Though the show paused to genuflect at the usual spots - from the nominated songs you might not have remembered to the litany of the industry's dearly departed - the awards themselves seemed to move along at a reasonably steady pace for much of the evening.

But as always, there were achievements that didn't make the cut on ABC:

* Closest thing to a political moment: Courtesy of "Inside Job" director Charles Ferguson, who noted in his acceptance of the Oscar for documentary feature that three years after the economic meltdown, "not a single financial executive has gone to jail, and that's wrong."

* Best argument for note cards: Ferguson again, for failing to credit Eagles owners - and "Inside Job" executive producers - Jeff and Christina Lurie until he got backstage on Oscar.com's "Thank You Cam." (And even there he had to be reminded by producer Audrey Marrs.) If the Luries were HBO, he'd have had it tattooed on at least one of his hands by this morning.

* Most distracting distraction: Oscar.com and its accompanying iPad/iPhone app, which offered multi-camera views of the stuff that didn't make ABC's broadcast to viewers with twitchy fingers. More the illusion of access than actual access - the camera in the lobby bar before the show mostly revealed how many non-famous faces reach for a drink on Oscar night - it was hosted by Entertainment Weekly's Dave Karger, whose red-carpet queries were marginally less annoying than some heard on ABC, but who nevertheless doesn't look quite as good in a tux as Tim Gunn.

* Most chilling network promo: For ABC News' "20/20," which seized on the pre-show on Hollywood's Biggest Night to promote its interview with the town's chattiest cokehead, Charlie Sheen - whose gaunt appearance made all those tweets about Giuliana Rancic's needing a sandwich seem a little mean.

* First bleep of the evening: To supporting actress winner Leo ("The Fighter"), who looked briefly shamefaced after dropping an f-bomb before embarking on a rambling acceptance that wasn't nearly as interesting as her performance. (On Oscar.com, Karger was hoping Leo's indiscretion got caught on the delay. "We heard it live.") Cue the Parents Television Council.

* Winning shout-out to the folks back home: "Roxy Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award," said "The Social Network" screenwriter Aaron Sorkin, who won for best adapted screenplay. "I'm going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig."

* More of Sorkin being cute: Thanking actor Armie Hammer twice. Hammer, great-grandson of the late industrialist Armand Hammer, played twins in "The Social Network."

* Best-placed plug: By supporting actor winner Christian Bale, who sent viewers of one of the year's most-watched shows to DickEklund.com, the Web site where his character in "The Fighter" offers the opportunity to "train with a boxing legend."

Send e-mail to graye@phillynews.com.